Cows on roads, they literally send a shiver up my spine! You may laugh all you want at my predicament, because either you have been lucky enough never to see the “true” side of cows , or ignorant enough to miss the signs that have been staring right in your face .I too used to be like that once, but as they say Ignorance is bliss.
India is synonymous with cattle on road. Ask any foreigner who has visited India, and I am sure they find the phenomenon as one of the most perplexing things about the subcontinent. They can’t bring their heads about the fact that how can a cow sit so nonchalantly bang in the middle of a busy road, impervious to all the incessant honking and traffic around it and why on Earth the people not doing anything about it?
The facade the cows put up is laudable: the constant mooing, the non-stop 24×7 chewing, the “I am dumb” countenance, the frustratingly slow trudging, observing disdainfully all the 2 legged folks around them, God only knows what evil plan they are hatching in their heads.
The livestock population in India is 530 million (that’s 2007 data), and after putting in a lot of hours of personal research, I have found out that 54% of them live right on the roads; not on some lonely village road meandering through the woods, but Highways and city roads which are already chock-a-block with bumper to bumper traffic.
The sheer amount of cattle especially on Odisha roads would put even the herds of Zebras and Wildebeests roaming on Serengeti plains of Africa to shame. Everyday minimum 30 minutes are lost while travelling to & fro from office, just to find a way out of the living maze. Beating the Chakravyuh would have been a cakewalk compared to the ordeal I face everyday. In order to navigate through the maze of bovine enemies you have to keep your head straight and calm and always be on the lookout for any attack from the flanges. Only a lucky few manage to find a way out of the labyrinth with their sanity intact, the others are trapped for eternity.
Why do they have to sit in the middle of the road, or cloud out the road itself with their numerical presence when you have lush green fields on either side of the roads? I couldn’t help but ruminate on the issue that how can animals who are supposed to be dumb put up such trying times for us? After spending countless sleepless nights the epiphany dawned on me while shaving, Occam’s razor was the answer: “A simpler explanation is better than a more complex one.”
And the simplest explanation is that the Indian cattle force possesses a high level of intelligence unbeknown to mankind yet, for all we know they might be a highly intellectual species having some sinister plan to overtake the Earth one day. It’s not a coincidence that the cow has been venerated in India since the earliest times. Our forefathers understood what they were dealing with, and gave them the due respect they commanded.
I am sure their top echelon conducts clandestine meetings each night, and the daily agenda is passed on to the ground force via their extremely efficient and 256 bit encrypted highly secure “MOOooooobile” network. Which roads to sit on, which routes to block and how many accidents to cause, everything is preplanned and executed to perfection. I am still to come to grips with the bigger picture of it all. How it fits into their plan of world dominance I don’t know yet, but I won’t rest until I find out.
As the Armed forces around the world have highly trained and lethal special op teams, like the US Navy Seals, or the Indian MARCOS so is the case with the cows. There’s a select few cows which are heartless assassins trained in all sort of wizardry. They possess supernatural powers, and God forbid if your ways cross with them. The special op cow team is guided by the tenets of George Orwell’s Animal Farm and their motto is “Four legs good, two legs bad” which explains why so many pedestrians and two wheelers face the brunt of cow’s ire.
I was lucky enough to have survived an encounter with such a member and here I am alive and recounting the tale. One cool summer night me and my friend decided to go out for a bike ride .I was riding… It was all going great until , and I am not joking, this is exactly how it happened, the road suddenly became unnaturally chilly, a feeling of gloom and sadness descended as if the whole happiness was sucked out of the world, the lights started flickering, and right in the middle of road a cow apparated like smoke out of water, the mind stopped working, reflexively I jammed the brakes but the bike refused to obey as if some unnatural force was controlling it and then there was head on collision at 60+ mph.
Even the legendary biker Evel Knievel would have turned in his grave had he seen the acrobatics and daredevilry involved in the crash. But, unlike his shows there was no one to applaud our heroics when we crash landed. I had to roam around like “Two face” for months, while my friend was lucky to escape only with a minor shoulder injury but, I came out a lot wiser after the incident. Never to underestimate the cows again …
You would think that all this is “Bullshit” but be forewarned my friend, when the truth dawns on you, you will know you are not alone in the world …
P.S: Always wear crash helmets while riding…